Our Official Break-Up Letter
Dear Anxiety,
Hi. How’ve you been? I haven’t heard from you in a while — are you okay? It’s been eerily silent without your undulating but inevitable presence. It’s oddly peaceful in a way but, to be frank, it’s also completely unnerving. What’s going on? It’s like the crashing waves that had been driven by your passion for me have ceased for the first time in six years.
Don’t you love me anymore? Don’t you care? But, even so, I have to admit that I’m not entirely hating your absence. How about you — have you found someone else to whisper sickly sweet nothings in their ear while I fall asleep every night, sounder than ever, wondering where you could have gone and why you left? Perhaps this letter will find you well and satisfied with whoever you chose next but just know that I write this to you with absolutely no animosity in my heart.
You’ve been a good friend in your own way. You’ve always been there for me since the day I gazed into your eyes for the first time. I remember how you slowly began to appear in my life, following from room to room long before I knew who you were and why you were so interested in me. Why did you choose me out of everyone else? Or were you also as intimate with them as you were with me?
You were like the ocean — still and awe-inspiring on the surface but turbulent and endless underneath. I never liked the ocean. I always had a fear of water, remember? Maybe that’s thanks to you too. Being with you was like I was constantly standing knee-deep in the icy, murky waters. I didn’t notice the first storm clouds that had risen stealthily in the horizon or how the navy tides that lapped at my ankles a nudge more fervently than before. I hadn’t noticed that, as I turned away, a smile caught on my lips, you latched on soundlessly. And though I was always only knee-deep, I never thought that the tides would eventually begin to rise.
To me, you were a silent observer who felt perfectly comfortable blending in with the crowds without much sound. I really appreciated that because I felt the same way. I guess you could say I was momentarily enchanted by your whims when I met you because you kept me in check. Whenever I acted, I always knew you were watching earnestly and I wanted to make you proud of me for some unexplained reason. Maybe I’d grown attached to the way you were the only constant in my life then and that was something I craved.
How was I to predict that you’d become the most important thing to ever happen to me in my turbulent late-teen years? You certainly shaped who I am today by silently maneuvering your way to my side back in ninth grade. But you already know that I hadn’t really noticed the crescendo of your presence until the eleventh. Even then, I still wondered who you were and why you chose me out of all people. What made me so special? I must say, Anxiety, that you’ve been quite dedicated to your cause — loving me and working with me even when these efforts were unnoticed and unrequited for the most part. You must let me know how you did that, it’s quite impressive.
But I don’t think it’s going to work out between us anymore — trust me I thought a lot about it. I guess you deserve an explanation after our six-year-long relationship in which you were wholeheartedly committed. It’s the least I can offer to you. I don’t think there was one specific moment when I decided that I wanted to break up with you. But, that moment when I had almost caused a car accident because of a moment’s recklessness, I thought less about how I could have almost killed my best friend and myself than of how the drivers around me must think I was incompetent. Why was I more concerned about the things you whispered into my ear than about the lives of the people around me? How was it that I cared more about what you told me than the world turning around me? And by trying to appease you, I let the world pass me by one moment at a time.
In a weird way, though, it felt safe with you because I knew that you’d be reminding me incessantly about anything that could possibly go awry. I was always overprepared. I remember you’d make sure I would arrive at least forty minutes early to any meeting and if I just so happened to be even a minute late, you wouldn’t let me forget it for months after. You told me what to say but also pushed me to second-guess myself right as those words rolled off my tongue. You kept me away from social gatherings because I mean, who knew who/what could be waiting there for me? Never run in public — you look like a wet dog. Don’t say thank you to the bus driver, everyone else will think you’re pretentious. Memorize the menu beforehand. Don’t cross the street. Don’t join that club. Leave now. Don’t go in. She’s annoyed with you. They think you’re stupid. It’s not worth it. You can’t do it. Turn around. Just go home. Just stay home.
But they say that sometimes you have to let go of some things to make room for even better things. It’s time for us to move on. Perhaps you’ll find another unsuspecting girl while she catches her reflection in a mirror right after you distort her image ever-so-slightly. Or maybe ‘accidentally’ bump into a well-dressed young man on his way to the most important job interview of his life with that charming smile of yours. I can’t say who you may befriend next but I can try my best to warn them about you because, Anxiety, you can be quite imposing and exasperating at times. It’s not that I don’t want you to be happy but can’t you find your happiness without breaking the hearts and smashing the souls of the millions of people who have met you?
Dearest Social Anxiety, it was always quite unpredictable with you and I only have you to thank for the person I have become. But now, it’s time for us to focus on other things and perhaps different people even. Maybe you’ll finally be happy one day, even without breaking a person down, as you’ve almost had me.
I know that I can finally be happy now as well because I finally figured out that I don’t need you anymore. I’m beginning to trust myself. I’m not sure when was the first time I said no to you. You didn’t let me forget about it for weeks. But the thing is…I was happy I did it anyway, no matter what you thought. And so with the taste of this strange freedom on my tongue, I defied you again. And again. And again.
I can’t say that I’m sorry.
I don’t doubt that you’ll crawl back to me some time or another, insisting that we get back together— I know this is not goodbye. This is my break-up letter to you because I’m ready to acknowledge our relationship but most importantly, I’m ready to live without you.
So from the bottom of my heart, I thank you for these past six years. I don’t think anyone can understand how much I owe you.
Until we meet again,
tiff